Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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