and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
A+ Viking dick
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