Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
