yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
