I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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