so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
