I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
