careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
