The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
