Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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