somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
