I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you would pick up someone in the library
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
