have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
