I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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