Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
