How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
