An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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