you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
