sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
