The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He felt like a one man threesome
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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