those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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