she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
