Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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