made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
