i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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