I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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