Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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