do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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