so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
