from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
