Im at strip club and am horny
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize