Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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