my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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