Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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