sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
