Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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