I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
