She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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