Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
worst night to have a conscience
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
