just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
