Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
