Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
