Hey man sorry I got all grabby
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
