Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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