I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
