Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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