sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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