She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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