I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
