Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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