I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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