you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
