I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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