I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
